My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
