A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
