My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize