I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
