i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
