My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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