My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
