just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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