wanna go halves on a baby?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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