It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
