uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Randomize
