I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
