That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
