I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
