I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
