yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize