note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
