I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
