Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
