We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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