Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
