he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize