Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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