eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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