feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
