Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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