Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
