i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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