She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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