FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
A bitchslap is in order.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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