why didn't you poke me back
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Randomize
