Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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