And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
