haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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