you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
