This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
