hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
