I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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