so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
