the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
