yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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