Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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