He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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