my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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