eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
