Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
