It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
