Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
