I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
