She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
