but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
