So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
