I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
