I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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