Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
