we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
