Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Why are your pants in the freezer?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
