the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
