How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
