I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
