I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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