he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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