I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
